At the time I was suffering with depression and severe anxiety, I would go to work and just about function but I didn’t look forward to anything, I dreaded every day and couldn’t wait to go back to sleep even though I felt the next day would be exactly the same, I felt at rock bottom, completely drowning in darkness feeling there was no way out. I’d always loved working at my music shop, but I began to feel anxious whenever the doorbell rang and a customer came through the door or anytime I picked up the phone. I hated walking there and back, catching the train, being at home, I suddenly felt like I had no safe space, I just was not enjoying life. A place I had been in my life before.
Growing up in the 90’s and 00’s I’d never heard of well-being or mental health, there was nothing in place at my schools that talked about these feelings, everything was focused on grades, the future, attending University and succeeding, all adding to increasing anxiety and low self esteem. I had no coping mechanisms in place, my doctor told me that how I was feeling was just who I was and was quick to dish out medication which didn’t agree with me though I didn’t realise that at the time, it left me completely numb like an emotionless zombie. I had a counselling session where the counsellor told me it was her last day at the firm and I had the impression she’d pretty much already checked out and wasn't overly concerned with my well being. I began self harming and having suicidal thoughts though finding a creative outlet in learning and playing guitar did help but I always felt I had this dark cloud around me.
Fast forward to my early 30’s, all this anxiety, self doubt, sadness, regrets and suicidal thoughts led me to contimplating ending it all, months and months thinking and feeling this way. I had close friends and family but I didn’t speak about how low I was, “Who would want to hear how I feel?” I’d think and not feel any sense of worth or purpose in the world but at the same time I didn’t want to upset my friends and family and worried about the effect it would have on them, wrestling daily with these thoughts and feelings was exhausting and I knew I would break soon.
I remember the day clearly where I was pushed over the edge, all it took was an angry person on the phone saying a PA system didn’t work on a hire, we had gone above and beyond for this person organising a last minute hire and being delivered out of hours, that was the first moment where I really thought “what is the point?” A phrase that would be stuck in my head for years. My colleague tried to console me, he saw the effect it had on me from then onwards, obsessing over the one piece of negativity, those who knew my shop know that it was a wonderful place full of joy and laughter, once described as a shining beacon in a world of darkness where we always received such positivity for what we did. Looking back at that moment, it was probably when I began to lose the love for this place that had always felt like home to me since I started there back in 2004.
I can’t remember exactly why I picked up my ipad and started “doodling” though I’m pretty sure it was after being shown the music video for “The Raven that refused to sing” by Steven Wilson which was animated by Jess Cope, but I loved the style and the dark imagery, often being drawn to sad and melancholy songs or imagery like many other individuals suffering with depression and something I had done since first feeling that dark beast rearing its ugly head way back when I was in my teenage years and yet there was this element of hope in the song and I found it uplifting. It was visually stunning and really spoke to me, I wanted to draw something, I hadn’t drawn anything seriously since I was about 15 but I picked up my ipad and searched for a simple drawing app, something I could pick up easily but go into depth with the features if I wanted to at a later point, I didn’t have a stylus so i just using my fingers and started to doodle, playing around with different brushes and pens, experimenting but finding comfort in using a standard technical pen or fine line, I’d scribble picture after picture, some simple, some more complicated, sometimes finding frustration that I couldn’t put the image that was in my head on the screen.
I’d spend hours and hours drawing, pretty much any spare time where I wasn’t working would be spent doodling, I realised that when I was drawing I wasn’t worrying, no thoughts of the next day, just finding moments of peace, I’d listen to music but also comedy podcasts, I’d find myself absentmindedly smiling and laughing at them. I kept all my pictures to myself, I think I’d drawn around 50 within a couple of months and would often look back through the pictures, I used to print them into books for myself to flip through. A friend said that I should share them online, but I was nervous, the internet can be a brutal place and I knew that if someone commented negatively I might just put the ipad down and never pick it up again. It was maybe a couple of weeks later that I was scrolling through my pictures that I settled on one that I felt immensely proud of, I had a brief moment of confidence where I shared via my Facebook page, saying how it didn’t matter if no one liked what I had made but that it gave me comfort and peace during a time when I was struggling mentally, that it was something that I enjoyed looking back at and that’s what really mattered, I created it for me.
I was surprised at how many people related to it, saying they knew how I was feeling, that they had been there too and there was always hope and a way back into the light. A few people asked if I could draw them a picture or design artwork for album covers for their bands, all little tiny moments that helped improve my confidence. I was surprised at the number of people I had assumed were the happiest of souls due to the content they posted and who kept their struggles secret, thinking they too were alone.
I started a Facebook page called “Mind Doodles” and shared all of my work, even the pieces that I wasn’t happy with or was overly critical of myself, but I had finished, often these pieces were the ones that had the biggest reactions, I still find that to this day five years later, maybe people sense the vulnerability in those pieces and the uncertainty on some level.
My family and friends were immensely proud of what I was doing, with my parents and sister pooling money together to get me an ipad pro and stylus for christmas and from another established artist's recommendation downloaded “Procreate” which I’ve been using ever since. I found a sense of peace, almost like meditation before and found this more so now.
It may sound silly but listening to the stylus on the glass and the tapping sounds it made really allowed me to shut off from the world and focus on creating these images I love so dearly.
My mum contacted BBC Look East who loved my artwork and wanted to do a piece on it.
I wasn’t confident with talking or being on camera, but speaking with the wonderful Kevin Burch who made me feel comfortable and confident whilst a camera was pointed at my face really put my mind at ease. It actually took years before I was able to watch the piece myself without cringing but the overall message was positive and allowed me to connect with so many others. It led to more interviews via BBC Radio Suffolk and a few local podcasts and I soon gained confidence with discussing my journey and struggles with friends but also complete strangers.
In 2018 I visited one of my best friends who lived in Australia all by myself, I sometimes look back at that now and think wow that was brave, I’d been to Europe and America with other people but never on my own and now I was travelling to the otherside of the world, one year earlier I couldn’t even leave the house to go to the shops! I spent a lot of time there staring up at the stars at nighttime, I had a star tattooed on my hand to remind me of that time and that feeling of strength I felt whilst being out of my comfort zone.
I still do create for myself, but it gave me a purpose and it felt like the start of my journey. If one of my pictures made just one person smile then it was worth sharing and continuing to share my story encouraging others to do so if and when they are ready. For a long time I was angry at the person who pushed me over the edge but I began to look at it as the catalyst for this incredible journey I’ve been on since, I looked at my struggles and feelings almost as a strength, that if I’ve been so deep in this darkness and found a light that I could show others it was possible. I’ve never been in contact with them since but also feel at this point I don’t need to, who knows what they may have been going through at that time too right?
I’ve received hardly any negativity through my artwork, the odd comment from when a post appears on their page and that person feels the urge to tell me to “F*** off” as if I have specifically gone onto their page and left a picture as a nasty little surprise, but thats on them, they choose to respond negatively but now I won’t let that negativity affect me, I’ve come too far to be knocked back down again, I also laugh to myself because by them commenting it means they’re more and more likely to see my work pop up! I never attack those people although it’s always tempting to include them in a picture after hearing someone use the phrase “never piss off an artist” but instead I make the choice to respond with kindness and love, usually getting some harsh message back but hey, that’s on them.
I also remember having a market stall set up at a charity event and a lady looking through my work then staring into my eyes and saying “That’s mental” my response was “yup pretty much” and then she continued on her journey, but these aren’t my people, my people are the ones who like and love and leave me uplifting comments or who reach out if they’re having a bad day, reaching out can be one of the hardest things a person can do but its such a demonstration of strength and should be taken as an absolute win.
Drawing and creating is by no means a cure for mental ill health, but it’s one of the things that had such a positive effect on my life and continues to do so for so many others.
What I gained from becoming an artist was that I began to notice things more, I’d see how light reflects off the water or a shadow a wall would cast, the way a plant or vine grows up a building or a tree, along with this newfound appreciation for other art I was seeing, whether it be artwork, music, film or anything else. Someone or a team created this, I might love it, I might not, if I don’t love it, I accept it’s not for me but take a moment to appreciate someone has done this and put it out there. Not everything is for me, for instance I could sit there and moan about how the latest Star Wars movie didn't go how I wanted it to or I can talk about the moments I love in it (I actually didn't mind it) Why waste time talking about things I hate when I can spend time talking about the things I love? It hasn’t been easy to get into this way of thinking but over time it’s helped me feel incredibly positive about things in life.
I lost my music shop in 2021, an incredibly stressful 6 months with winding down a business hit me hard, my routine had entirely changed, suddenly I was without income and had a lot of anxiety surrounding the closure, I was lucky to have so much support and also saw it as a time for change, to be able to move on and focus on a summer of creativity and relaxation and figure out what I wanted to do. I really got stuck into a regular exercise routine, actually by accident whilst playing around with a VR headset, it would tell me my calories burned and quickly became a daily target along with regular walks and healthy eating. I’d had the worst body image throughout my life but for the first time ever I was happy with how I looked.
I started to visualise my wellbeing and mental health as a little ball of light within myself, some days it would be dim and other days it can burn bright, I surround myself with people who help that light grow if I can’t I do exercise, draw, go for walks, anything that might add a bit more brightness. I’ve started a journal recently where I write positive things that happen to me, this whole, what is essentially an essay will go in today’s, I can’t remember the last time I sat down and typed out as many of my thoughts, although you may not see but most of these are currently jumbled and need to be arranged.
I did however begin to notice a few of my behaviours during this time. I'd always been a keen gamer but found it very difficult to concentrate for more than half an hour before I’d want to be doing something else. The same with movies, tv shows, I’d find myself just wandering around my house not really knowing why, it became very frustrating and did affect my mood. I spoke with my doctor about these feelings who suggested I may have ADHD along with mild OCD, and that I may be experiencing symptoms of these especially if my mood is particularly low. I’ve taken a few minor steps to help with this, having this computer set up on my desk with a larger TV screen pretty much holds my attention, turning off notifications on my phone or keeping it face down to not distract me, I’ve started regularly baking saffron bread as they say saffron can help with focus, this is fairly new to me so I’m still trying some tips I’ve heard from others.
I’ve always tried to go with the flow when I began to run out of all my savings I was offered a job as a passenger assistant for a local Taxi firm, helping escort young people to and from school, a year of this work was incredibly rewarding, seeing the child we took really flourish and find their confidence was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, being open, honest and trying to inspire and build on their self esteem helped me realise that I wanted to help young people with mental health concerns in any possible way who may have felt unsupported previously as I had. This work led to me studying for level 1 and level 2 qualification in mental health and young people's mental health, wanting to expand my knowledge to better help this young person where I could.
This work finished in July and I began job searching, applying to various care work and being turned down due to a lack of experience but then finding a post for an apprenticeship within Suffolk County Council as a young people’s mental health coordinator. It was the first job I think I have ever seen where I thought “Wow I want to do this, this looks amazing” I applied and was called to an interview, I had two powerful voices in my head one saying “this is you, you were made for this” and the other saying “You won’t get this over someone else”I ignored that negative voice and focussed on the positive, attending my interview, terrified, but being completely open and honest with my journey and why I want to work in this field. They called me the next day and offered me the job saying they appreciated how honest I was. I start this work very soon and I cannot wait.
It is a long and exhausting battle, I still can have very low days but I recognise the warning signs and prepare myself, sometimes it catches me off guard still and those days I will always reach out. It took me nearly my whole life (Just turned 38) to be proud of who I am, where I am, where I’ve been and where I am going. If you are struggling, reach out, if anything I’ve learned there are countless people who will be there to listen, if you speak to someone who doesn't listen, find others that do, not everyone understands mental health, I have friends who have never experienced depression and I’m thankful they haven’t, they might not understand the true depths of that feeling but they’re always there regardless.
It’s difficult if you don’t live close to friends or family. I have friends online that I’ve made over the years that I can count on, who are also there for me. Just because you may not have met them in person doesn’t mean your connection with them isn’t valid, my Australian friend was someone who I met in an MSN chat room when we were 17 is one of my nearest and dearest and thankful everyday that they are in my life just a text or audio message away.
I didn’t know where that first drawing would take me, and would have never have imagined I’d be where I am today because I reached out and spoke about my feelings, or where I couldn’t sum up how I felt would sum them up with a drawing. I have no regrets, everything felt like it happened like it needed to get me to this point and to use that lived experience to help as many other people as possible, all those really dark moments and feelings got me where I needed to be and helped me build resilience, I truly believed they happened as a way of preparing me for losing my music shop business and although that was tough I always knew I’d make it through it, for a long time I’d had a real fear as to what would happen if I lost that place, and thought it would finish me off but my artwork, moments of connection and with my own belief in my sense of self worth had made me realise that I wasn’t tied to that place, it wasn’t my identity and that I could do anything I put my mind to.
Those life altering events can easily feel like the end though for me it felt like the beginning of a brand new chapter full of possibilities, love and hope. I think the world needs more love, hope and joy especially at the moment, there is a lot of fear and sadness out there, if you can make an absolute strangers day with a conversation or smile then that is a gift you have and I would encourage to aim to build on that gift everyday and help make the world a lovely place.
Thank you for taking the time to read what was supposed to be a quick note and has now become a three and a half thousand word essay.
Best wishes and so much love,
James Garden
JG Mind Doodles.
If you are struggling please reach out to friends, family, charities like the Samaritans and Mind, the NHS or myself. I have attached contact numbers from www.Mind.Org.Uk below.
Samaritans. To talk about anything that is upsetting you, you can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 123 (free from any phone), email jo@samaritans.org or visit some branches in person.